April 14, 2018
I have spent a lot of my life trying to be included. As a child, I was never really part of a group or tribe. If anything, I was often on the edge observing, hoping to get noticed from time to time but mostly overlooked.
I’m an adult now, and this hasn’t changed much.
Despite my best and most sincere efforts, I’m still mostly on the edge of groups watching people within those groups commune and connect and engage with one another. And while I’m sure many people use the term “friend” to describe me, I am usually moreso that “acquaintance” kind of friend where folks like me and engage with me when they see me, but don’t often or intentionally attempt to spend time with me. Most of the time, I only hear from “acquaintance friends” (or anybody, really) when they want something or need help. Not to hang out. Not to see how I’m doing. Just when I can be of assistance.
And I’ve accepted this role now. I understand it more, at least I think I do. That’s the person I am to other people. The person they can go to when support is needed, when for a little while, they desire to go deeper. But not to stay there, in the depths, for too long. Because they suffocate…drown. The majority of my deeply emotionally intimate connections and relationships, platonic and romantic, have gone this route of asphyxiated failure. But the ones where I let myself just sit on the edge and observe, where I am mainly a “go to” for help or advice with a little bit of fun sprinkled here and there? Those relationships can continue for decades. Maybe I’m just too much. Or not enough. Or something like that.
And maybe that’s where I’ve had the misunderstanding my whole life. Looking for something deeper and more open and more intimate than most folks really want or can handle. (Because not being able to handle whatever feelings I bring up for them has commonly been the reason used for ending connections with me.) Depth and transparency is valued some of the time, even much of the time, but not all of time. Or something like that.
Or maybe I’m just easy to forget. Entertaining and fun for a moment, but not significant enough to be remembered or wanted. It’s okay if I’m present, but it’s just as okay if I’m absent. Or something like that.
Could it all be in my head? A negative false narrative that I toxically replay to myself? Possibly, but I doubt it. I’ve been an observer for years. I recognize patterns fairly well, particularly patterns in human behavior, and especially in humans with whom I interact. Thirty years of the same patterns are hard to make up.
But honestly, it’s okay. Like I said, I’ve accepted this with peace and even a little pleasure. Knowing where to no longer waste energy is a wonderful thing. I have learned that the deep intimate relationship(s) that I’ve desired and tried to foster can be had, it just has to be with my Self. I love my own company. I have fun with me, I journey with me, and I even have great conversations with me (external verbal ones too, we ain’t shamed). And it’s not JUST me. That relationship with Self expands to relationship with Spirit, which in turn is being connected to everyone. So even when people don’t see me, I see them. Disconnecting from me does not truly disconnect you from me. Direct individual connection simply turns into indirect collective connection. Because I still feel you. I still see you. That’s that higher consciousness and awareness life.
Yet I don’t disbelieve that I can ever have that direct individual connection on the level that I desire with another human being. It’s possible, and perhaps even probable. But the difference now is, I don’t try to create it anymore. I don’t seek it anymore. And for the most part, I am content observing from the edge. It’s intriguing and sometimes even entertaining. For the most part, I am content giving aid and advice when requested. Because that is my Spirit gift and I do it well.
But still. It would be nice to not be forgotten.