December 31, 2018
Last night a person in a mental health group made a post about potential suicide. Below is my response. I share this because so many of us deal with suicidal ideation in secret. It is my hope that sharing this publically helps others with their struggles. 🙏🏾❤
I can relate to this feeling. When I have major episodes and feel like I’m just done with life, I review my “exit strategy.” I suppose there’s something about a “deadline” or “end date” that brings a sense of comfort and control. Comfort in knowing that the pain will be over, and control in that I am the one deciding how much longer I’ll be here.
And yet, each time I choose when I’m going to go, I end up still being here. In between the moment of choosing and whenever my “end” is, I live life differently. There’s less stress because whatever problems I have are no longer seen as a big deal. I’m more open to moments of joy and contentment because I know that those moments are finite and I want to enjoy them while I can. When looking toward death, life can suddenly just feel…..lighter. And eventually I realize that maybe it’s a good thing to stick around a little bit longer. After all, if I can experience this feeling of contentment, it means I am still capable of enjoying life. And if I can enjoy life, even just a few parts of it, then there’s no need to end it just yet.
I say all of this for two reasons. First, to show you that you’re not alone in your thoughts. And second, to share what works for me with the hope that this also works for you. Depression is a beast and that shyt is hard to handle. But it can be done. And life can be better again.
I hope you decide to stay and keep living.